Hey guys! Happy Thursday, I hope everyone is well and staying healthy. Last week, we talked about being an example to others. Did anyone change the way that they acted in their everydays? Today is going to be very vulnerable, and very personal about me.
I do not know how many of my readers personally know me, but I know a few of you do.
Today we are going to talk about the topic of eating disorders. I have had this problem for quite a few years. This has resulted in endless meals being skipped, because “I’m not hungry.” Oftentimes my body is, but I convince my brain I’m not.
I never realized how much of a mental game this would be.
It starts with the scale starring me down, I always want to weigh myself to make sure I’m not “overweight”. My definition of overweight is different from myself to others. For me, I think overweight is when I hit 115, but I see people who are overweight and in their 300’s or more and I think they are beautiful. The number means nothing, but to me 115 is not acceptable. I know that this is unrealistic, and ridiculous. But I have to fight myself daily to not weigh myself. There is a scale at work. Every single day I swear, it is saying, “Raegan come weigh yourself, make sure you are under 115.” The scale is only part of it.
I have changed my mindset to look at the number I weigh as the amount of gravity pushing down on me, at that moment.
Another thing is the mirror. That mirror can be so deceiving. This is something that I’ve worked on, but I used to look and be like “Yep, I’m fat.”
Luckily over the past year, I have been able to look at myself and just accept the way I look. It might just be some bloating or even my posture. I have started looking in the mirror, and telling myself I’m beautiful and I’m a child of God, and this is not what God intended for me, when I look into the mirror.
Another thing would be abusing the gym. Let’s be real, I loved the gym. But only for the fact I could lose any of the weight “I put on from my last meal” I never put on weight that fast. I would abuse the gym, luckily I can acknowledge that, and I no longer do that.
Finally, my biggest struggle… EATING. Guys, for so long I would just fake eat. But, I’m grateful, because while at home I did eat. My parents made a huge effort to make sure I was well feed. Often times my mom would make me two meals.
I went off to college, and the food here has made me sick everytime I have eaten it. This has it’s pros, okay no pros. All cons. Not liking the food, and it makes me sick.. Means no food, and no weight gain.. That helps my situation, no it doesn’t it worsens it. I have luckily realized this has been making my eating problems easier. I now don’t have to eat right? That isn’t good, I’ve gone days without food, maybe some coffee, but no food. This isn’t good. I realized this, and decided to see the counselor for it. She has been a blessing, she has been super supportive, and encouraging me with this problem.
Something she told me that was interesting about me, is that I still like food, and talk about it. She said, others that she has seen, just don’t find food appealing. However, I do, put Chick Fil A, tacos, or pizza in front of me and it’s gone in no time.
But, I have realized that I am not eating and not having healthy habits in this realm so I have reached out and asked for help, and it has really helped me. From friends, to a counselor, I have had people surround me with love and encouragement, and are helping me get back on the healthy path I should be on. God has truly blessed me with some good friends at college, to help me eat more, or just check in on me.
Thanks for poppin in,